Journey through Menopause: Katie’s story

Hot flushes, red faces, sweating, mood swings - “the change.” 

To mark World Menopause Day 2024 on Friday 18 October, Katie Baichoo, Senior Triage Clinician in Hertfordshire, has openly shared how menopause has affected her mental and physical health. In the passage below, she shares more about the symptoms she has experienced and the challenges she has faced in managing them.

To the nurses I have worked with, who it may and who it may not concern, and anyone who wants to read  this.  

My uniform was so uncomfortable, and sitting at a desk all day made me ache, sweat and feel rotten. It was a role I eagerly adopted after losing the confidence to interact with patients face-to-face, as I no longer perceived myself as a real clinician. Additionally, the dehydration from undiagnosed colitis meant I could not be more than 30 seconds away from a toilet.

My skin was itchy, and the tunics only intensified the discomfort. Weight gain depressed me, and I felt old, fat, ugly, and invisible to all of you. I had neither the motivation nor energy to exercise and would forget to hydrate. 

My eyes ached from sitting at the computer all day, but they were so dry that using eyedrops hurt even more! I couldn't sleep properly, and this obviously compounded my emotional dysfunction. 

I did enjoy the thrill of juggling patient pathways and the urgent care role, and I loved being part of the team—I just felt I was an imposter. I "knew" you were all talking about me, making jokes about how awful I was and wondering how in the world I managed to reach B7 level.

However, that is a gross untruth; I was positive I was the topic of conversation every time I left the office, but that is highly unlikely; now I see it from the cold light of day. I patiently waited for you to identify any mistakes or errors that I was certain I had committed. Of course, that didn't happen; I can see it now, but at the time, it felt so real. In hindsight, it's clear that you were primarily focused on navigating the team's rules and regulations, navigating a hectic environment, navigating relationships with young children, overcoming financial challenges, and managing physical and emotional stress.

How could I have ever believed that you were so concerned about my behaviour and attitude? It makes me smile and roll my eyes now!

I still experience anxiety when I recall how I thought others perceived me. I did not feel like I fit in. I struggled to figure out how to apply for the MSc Program and Funding on the University and Trust website. You all could. I was unable to keep track of the blood results' ranges. You all could. More importantly, I couldn’t see patients anymore—you all could. 

The fear of discovering that I shouldn't have joined the team was overwhelming. Brain fog seemed to engulf me to such a degree that I would forget conversations I had and repeat myself over and over. How could I pretend to be a nurse for an extended period? I was certain that someone would uncover my impersonation sooner rather than later. In my head, I was a waste of space. 

This dysfunction wasn't limited to the workplace—oh no. At home, my teens would also exhibit signs of frustration. I would ask them about their day and whether they had eaten lunch two or three times in an hour, but they would simply assume that I didn't listen or care. In a way, I suppose I didn't.

My eldest said I should see a doctor because there was “obviously” something wrong with my brain. 

I consumed excessive amounts of alcohol and made unhealthy food choices night after night. I began to obsessively talk about menopause to those who were not listening.

It all sounded like an excuse, to be honest. Menopause wasn’t really a “thing” openly acknowledged when it first hit me. It took years for me to realise what it was, and, trust me, I had been to the GP about every possible life-limiting condition for a very long time before it was an actual "thing." And then I just felt silly.

However, the stress of it all led me to the hospital, where I suffered from dehydration, acute kidney injury (AKI), and colitis. Additionally, my anxiety, low mood, and sheer clumsiness resulted in numerous falls and stumbles.

I am sorry for not understanding myself. 

For not being able to verbalise what and how I felt.

I apologise for the impression you had of me. I am sorry for thinking poorly of myself. I am sorry I doubted my ability and felt you doubted me too. I am sorry, I did not know how to be honest with you. I am sorry for not being the role model I should have been—I would probably be now if times were different. 

For those of you who are struggling but do not know why, tell someone. You are not alone; you are not making it up, and you are worthy of the airtime. Your honesty will be welcomed. 

For those of you who are not yet at this point, remember to treat yourself with kindness and patience, and others will reciprocate.

As I reinvent myself into something more formidable, funnier and more patient with the world around me, thank you."

Thank you for reading.   

Learn more about World Menopause Day here. 

For more information about the symptoms of the menopause and about available treatment options including hormone replacement therapy (HRT), head to the NHS website.